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The life of a coach’s wife can be lonely, frustrating, stressful, exciting, and fulfilling all at the same time. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married 12 or 30 years, what the sport is or the level of competition, the challenges and positives can be the same and are renewed with each successive season.
Lori Farley, wife of University of Northern Iowa head football coach Mark Farley; Janet Longus, wife of West High School track coach Ralph Longus; Jo Mitchell, wife of Cedar Falls High School co-head football coach Pat Mitchell; and Stephanie Newsom, wife of Wartburg College head track coach Marcus Newsom, all express many of the same feelings when talking about balancing their personal and professional lives as wives of coaches.
Frequent absences and long work hours are the biggest difficulties facing families where the dads are coaches.
“The kids and I LOVE football season,” said Farley, who has been married 23 years. She and Mark have three children, ages 18, 16 and 13. “We are used to his schedule and actually, we are so busy with the kids’ various activities that we aren’t home much either. The kids don’t know any other lifestyle!”
The downside, Farley said, is that “Mark can’t always be a part of (the kids’) activities, but they understand and know that they can talk to him about it later.”
“The time it takes (Marcus) away from our family is the biggest difficulty,” Newsom, who’s been married 12 years, said. “Track season does get hard on the kids (ages 9, 4 and 1) at times, especially when Marcus can’t be at many basketball games or spring soccer matches. There is some disappointment within them and they will express it. I think it will only get more hectic in our house and for my schedule as our middle son starts to get old enough to be in more activities.”
Mitchell, married 30 years, and Longus, wed 20 years, don’t have children at home. In fact, having no children of their own, Longus says the track team members are their kids. Mitchell’s family challenge is “being tied up year around and not getting to see our granddaughter as often as I like. (Living out of town), we’ve missed her musical performances and softball games.”
Coaching is a demanding and stressful occupation and it’s only natural that some of that pressure carries over to family life. Farley worked outside the home the first 10 years of her marriage, but with three small children, she left the workforce.
“I made the choices I wanted to make,” she said.
“A coach’s lifestyle does affect your choices, especially with kids, but I think you can make anything work. I felt it reduced the stress level and brought some calm to our family for me to stay at home.”
Newsom always has worked outside of the home and currently is Wartburg’s Director of Counseling. “We both (she and Marcus) work for the same institution, which has many benefits,” she said. “My career is important to me, so we are equal partners in this. If we don’t have time to see each other in the evenings, we can catch up on schedules and issues at home over a quick cup of coffee (on campus).”
Wins and losses also affect the entire family. “The losses hurt all of us,” Farley said. “It’s more than just a game because we know the time and effort that has gone into the preparation and we live with it daily. We usually can read Mark enough to know when it is best not to say anything and just offer a hug, or when we can use some humor to break him out of it. It’s also good to keep the game in perspective because there are always people dealing with worse things in life.”
“Ralph really doesn’t have many mood swings,” Longus said. “Early on we decided to keep work at work. That being said, we do discuss how his team is doing and how well the meet/season is going. We do not let it take control of our home life.”
“I want his teams to win just as bad as he does,”
said Newsom. “As far as helping him handle disappointment, I try to just listen, and then offer positive
support and remind him of all of the positive that has occurred. The biggest piece is the listening and having a safe place where he can talk and vent about the meet or performance.”
“I listen to what he needs to say,” Longus added. “I don’t necessarily need to comment but just to be there for him if he needs to get something off his chest. Once he is done talking, it’s over. If all else fails, we go get ice cream or go for a motorcycle ride.”
“He knows we will be at home waiting for him and I think he looks forward to that,” Farley said. “He can wind down just by talking it out, getting our perspective and then catching up on what’s happening with the kids.”
All four women make concerted efforts to take care of themselves in addition to the rigors of being there for the rest of the family. All rely on friends and activities of their own.
“I have a close family network,” Farley said. “I have good friends who I can talk with and spend time with. I enjoy spending a lot of time with our kids. I also have a few hobbies which help reduce stress.”
Mitchell keeps busy with friends, reading, antiquing and day trips. Newsom exercises during her lunch break. “It makes me feel good about myself and gives me time to think,” she said. “You have to have a way to re-charge your battery. My husband is good about recognizing this and will out of the blue drop me off to get a pedicure or brings home a new outfit for me.”
With the long absences from home, the wives not only are in charge of the family but of the household duties, as well. Farley says she handles most of the work at home and gets help from the children. “Mark just isn’t home enough during the season and during recruiting to help much. He gets to do a few more chores and projects during the summer.”
Longus says she and Ralph “have a unique way of handling the division of work. Ralph bought the lawn mower and snow blower so he takes care of the yard work. Unfortunately, I bought the washer and dryer. Needless to say, I think I got the raw end of the deal!”
Newsom says that when Marcus is really stressed “he will sometimes escape from work and come home and clean the entire main level. He also is usually the one who gets our holiday decorations out. He is the one that does the ironing and will do some laundry. But typically during track season, the division of labor is not quite so even.”
If the above sounds like a rough life, all four women say there are many rewards. “College football is so fun, and it is great to be so close to it,” Farley said. “We get to meet a lot of people, and every week and every year is a new challenge so it never is boring!”
“The best part of Ralph’s career is watching the individual athletes mature not only into the best athlete they can be, but also as a person,” said Longus. “Watching them grow and succeed in their athletic and personal lives from their freshman year to their senior year is awesome.”
“The upside is I have met so many wonderful families
and student-athletes through being a coach’s wife,” said Newsom. “We have the entire team over twice a year for a meal. They love to horse around with (our kids). They feel like they have 20 older brothers! So there are some benefits and joys for them. I have truly enjoyed getting to know the student-athletes and being a second mom and confidant to some of them. But the best part is watching (Marcus) achieve his goals and have great success.”
Because athletics is such a public endeavor, coaches,
wives and families can endure negative press and irate fans and parents. “I handle the negativity by trying to ignore it,” said Farley. “I also have a friend I can vent my frustrations to, and it helps to talk it out. Sometimes I just stop reading the paper or listening to the news.”
Mitchell says she ignores fans’ poor taste. “If the comment is directed directly to me or disrupts my household, I will weigh the situation and determine whether a response is necessary,” said Longus.
Farley says coaches’ wives are a “special group of women. We are the only ones who can really relate o each other after a loss or after a big win. We are all busy handling our own families so we may not be able to spend a lot of time together, but there is always a bond.”
Mitchell says simply to “get involved in the football
(or whatever) season and enjoy!”
Editor’s note: Area coaches’ wives might be interested in the website www.coachswife.ning.com. Coaches’ wives from across the nation have exclusive access to forums, blogs, recipes and articles. Check out www.cedarvalleyathlete.com for a recommended book list by “The Coach’s Wife” available through Amazon.
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